listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
