apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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