alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
