I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
