I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
