billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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