First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
