Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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