Umm I'm too high to move.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The adults are the big ones right?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
