her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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