If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
