my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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