how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize