To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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