Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize