The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
