Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
