if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
