look no pants
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
