I looked at my own cervix.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
