Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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