I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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