So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
