im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
