I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
