I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
