he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
