Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if only i could text you this smell
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
