i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
