My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
