as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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