yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I AM VODKA MAN
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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