this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
