now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize