so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
