it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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