I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
