I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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