wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
