I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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