I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
