The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
