I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How naked do you want me to be?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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