Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
