i permit you to call me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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