Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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