When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
try to milk me bitch
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