there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
