normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
