I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
