hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
