Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
