Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
