I wish I could teleport
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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