just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
