I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
