WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
