I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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